i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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