I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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