Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
