Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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