My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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