oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
