The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
