He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
