I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
