I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
