Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
