YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
