He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
