he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
