I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
