just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
