please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
