You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
