he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
