Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
