Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
