There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
