if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
