moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
