Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
