i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
