Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
