No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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