I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
