Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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