If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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