i just had sex bonerless
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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