My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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