i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
