I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
