Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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