So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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