I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you inspire me to be a worse person
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
