I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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