This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
