True but thats because hes a fetus.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
