omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
