I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
