I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
