At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
