I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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