I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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