Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
