im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
