Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
