i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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